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| Conway Twitty |
The author, a woman, Susan Gregory Thomas, writes about the tragedy of modern couples and how, despite marrying "her best friend" their relationship ended in divorce.
She, as she says, "married the kindest, most stable person I'd ever known", provided the best care, the most love for her children - yet the relationship still failed.
How can modern people be so stupid?
But first, let me backtrack a bit.
I have been married to and with the same person for nearly 36 years. We have been married over 34 years. So I am speaking from experience.
We were married in 1977 - right near the "peak" of failing marriages on the chart in the WSJ article.
We did everything wrong, according to family and experts: we married young (18 & 19), we went against parents wishes, my wife had a young daughter that was not my own, we had no money or possessions to speak of, we moved early on in marriage from Wisconsin to NYC.
Yet we succeeded. Today we have four children all told, seven grand children.
Has it all been roses? Hardly... But I would certainly do it all over again.
You see, we were simply too stupid to know that marrying each other because we loved each other was a "horrible mistake" - when things went wrong we had no one but ourselves to rely on so we did - and we learned and grew together over the years.
Ms. Thomas, first of all you need to realize that marriage does not happen for the "sake of children".
The most I knew about children when I got married was what not to do so that I wouldn't have any. My wife, on the other hand, knew exactly what she wanted (children and a family).
She was a clever girl from the old school (read my post "Anthropological Mom" if your interested) and knew that I would have to chase her until she caught me.
In my day you got married because you wanted to spend all of your time with someone - for love and desire - and, at least if you were a male, you didn't think much beyond that. Old school girls, on the other hand, spent their early lives figuring out what a good man was and how to catch one - you didn't "give it up" too early until the hook was set. Once the guy was on really on the line with the hook set - well, that was a different story - then you had to keep his eyes and mind focused on one thing - and one place thing.
From the man's perspective children were, at least initially, a scary unimagined by-product.
(Don't get me wrong - I love my children and I spent many wonderful years with my wife and kids. But spending 15 years "preparing" to have children would have certainly fried my brain and put the kabash on any relationship.)
Look, Ms. Thomas, men are stupid (see "Women are Insane, Men are Stupid").
We need to be involved - like I was with my wife - through pregnancy (the police brought her home from the store after she passed out - when the found out she was pregnant they just laughed and left), child birth, and all the rest. Otherwise we don't get it. (And you need to hold our attention - because we are dumb - like small children - you can call my wife if you need an explanation for this part.)
No planning is really required - trust me - you will figure out what to do to have children and raise them. After all, a man needs his role to be reinforced - and being a responsible dad is just the ticket.
Along the way our desire for each other was pivotal in preventing Ms. Thomas's misery of being married to "her brother" and "despising each other" as time went by. You see, desire for the other person is key - what else would govern the happy making up part after arguments.
Another key element is that there is no ME in couple.
Read about marriage from the time of the ancient Greeks and Roman's to today - you will find all manner of traditions, issues, problems. But you will also find that by and large for the last 100,000 years or so the population grew.
It grew because the couple was the thing that had to be nurtured - not the respective ME's - and that was societies job - to keep things together for the next generation.
This is beyond importance. You must consider the other and the couple above yourself. If you don't your marriage will fail (as did yours).
This is why the stupid 1960's bullshit about ME ruined modern marriage and couples.
And finally, children are the result - not the prerequisite for - a marriage. You don't get married to have children per se (unless you are an Anthropological Mom) in which case its the only reason to marry - but you don't tell the man this while he courts you.
Modern fools put children on pedestals - they do not belong there. (But then again they put pets there too today...)
The couple comes first - period.
Now, sadly, most women today are totally and utterly clueless about what to do to be successful as a participant in a couple.
They've been raised on a pedestal - hence they only know the meaning of the word ME and nothing else.
Women today make sex a competition or a porno - instead of a loving and sharing.
They freak out about kids - kids are kids and, at least in the past, likely to grew up despite their own best efforts. Not today - anything that harms a child must be a crime - even if its the child's own stupidity... And what does this teach children - that they are more important than their parents own marriage.
Little wonder marriage is so unsuccessful today.
No, Ms. Thomas, you marry because of your heart if you are a woman, after learning to, as they say in "Indiana Jones" to "choose wisely".
Give it away for "free" and men quickly learn that that's exactly what its worth.
Its very sad to see all this - but what can I say - I don't make the rules.
Some of my kids get it and some are also stupid - but then, as they say, "you pays your money, you takes your chances"...
All the bullshit about "you're young - don't waste your life being tied down" is clearly nonsense. Was Ms. Thomas's life better not getting married at 18? You'll never know...
Then there's the impact of modern birth control on women's ability to choose mates (see "Failing Our Future" for info on this). No wonder they pick losers.
(Honey, if you don't get what "ovulating" is for, how it works and how to use it to your own womanly advantage you need to hang it up...)
Oh well...
Mr. Kueny,
ReplyDeleteYou're downplaying your own attributes, and those of Mrs. Lone Wolf, with regard to your marriage.
No chemical nor culture nor religion nor political persuasion is so magically powerful as to guarantee the success of any given marriage.
The awful, terrible, excruciating, terrifying, and unavoidable, truth is that we are all making decisions, great and small, every moment of our lives.
When we are married, we are, every moment of our lives, making decisions that either promote or compromise the longevity of our marriage.
The stark reality of individual responsibility, and how easily it's denied or ignored, is nowhere made more awfully visible and tangible than in the difficult day-to-day work of marriage.
You can choose to be forgiving, or not. Selfish, or not. Attentive, or not. Etcetera. Etcetera. On and on and on. Hundreds of times during the course of a single day.
And when children are in the picture...Is it by mere accident that most of humanity's central religious texts record at least one instance of a despairing parent crying out for God's mercy?
Please don't hide behind history, religion, culture, or science, when explaining why you and Mrs. Lone Wolf have enjoyed a successful marriage.
The two of you, in concert and as individuals, have made thousands of deliberate, conscious decisions that promoted the longevity of your marriage.
It wasn't easy, was it?
Being a responsible adult is never easy.
Both of you deserve all due credit for having made thousands upon thousands of decisions, great and small, that have allowed you to remain in each other's company for so many years.
But I suspect, however, that you and Mrs. Lone Wolf are of the modest type that's not much interested in credit-taking.
Which probably goes pretty far as an explanation of your marriage's success.
Best of luck to the both of you.
Sincerely,
HDT
I find your comment "Please don't hide behind history, religion, culture, or science, when explaining why you and Mrs. Lone Wolf have enjoyed a successful marriage" interesting because I think that because of these things we have done what we have done.
ReplyDeleteMy point was it is because of those things as well as our own characters, of us struggling to follow them, of us holding them above us as a goal to strive for - that we succeeded.
You can have all the character and guts in the world but if you're following the wrong star you are still lost.
Just look at what happens when you throw them away.
My other point was that biology plays a significant role in marriage - one that today is compromised by birth control's affect on a woman's physiology.
We chose the old ways and were successful.